Only See Inside Of Me

How to Audaciously (yet graciously) Protect Yourself

For Audacious Confidence you MUST have powerful boundaries that say how you want to be treated. If there was one item in your life you must handle it is put your boundaries in place.

Strong boundaries are like a field of positive energy you surround yourself with.
Strong boundaries allow for better communication and intimacy in your life.
The good news is this: you get to decide what are your boundaries.

Here's some boundary ideas you might want to borrow:

No one is allowed to hit me, at any time, or for any reason.

No one is allowed to make disparaging or sarcastic remarks to me.

No one may yell at me.

No one may gossip around me.

No one may order me around and be disrespectful.

How often have you let a remark or action go by so you don't rock the boat?
Now is the time to give that up and set your personal boundaries.

To protect your space, time and energy you may want to give yourself permission to:

Say a gracious NO.

Let the answering machine pick up

Set up call return times

Turn off the phone ringer

Request that people be on time

Stop a volunteer commitment that has run its course

Ask for help around the house

Delegate

Ask for more information before you buy an item or make any decision

When you are setting boundaries be very clear about what your intentions are.
Are your intentions to move toward healing, closeness and reclaiming your personal power?
If yes, keep going.

If no, then consider this: living well is the best revenge, not getting back at a person or situation. That never works. So go for clarity of intention. With a clear intention to strengthen relationships you can move forward and here is a great method that really works.

Step one: If you have any unexpressed emotion around your weak boundary, you MUST blow off the steam so that you can be CHARGE NEUTRAL. No defensiveness. No anger that will sink your ship.

Ideas to help you: Take a brisk walk with the intention to let out all that has built up around this crossed boundary so that negative energy deflates. Write a letter to the person who has crossed your boundary make sure you include every single item that has upset you, do not censor yourself keep writing until you run out of things you have suffered over caused by the weak boundaries and the other persons lack of knowledge around them. Next read it aloud. You may have to read it a few times until what you have written has no emotional charge and sounds almost silly to you.
(This works very well if you have a good friend whom you can do this with)

Next: Tear the letter up into tiny pieces, place the pieces in a fire resistant container set it on fire.
(Have a pitcher of water handy just for safety's sake please) Throw the ashes out into the air so that you can be free of the upset. Send the upset out into the universe and let the upset go.

"Step Two: Write yourself a boundary script and try it out in the group or with someone you feel comfortable with sharing what you are doing. Even better do it together.

Ideas to help you: Avoid being Miss Nice or Mr. Nice-Guy. Just tell the truth without any frills, story or apologies for asking for what you want. Say it straight.
Take ownership of the situation. Be accountable for the fact that by allowing that boundary to be crossed in the past you have been sending a message that it's okay with you and that you are responsible.

Now that you are charge neutral and can say this from your heart.
Try one.
Begin using the person's name.

Let's suppose you have a friend who is always late for everything, never calls you and it bothers you to the point of silently steaming and you don't want to make plans with her anymore, but you somehow always do.

Susie, I wanted to let you know about something that's been bothering me and I want to clean this up. I find that your lateness to our lunch dates is getting in the way of my being able to enjoy our friendship. My request is that when we have an appointment to meet please be on time.

Another could be for a family member who takes their anger out on you.
This one is harder.
Take a breath (say the sky is blue to yourself)
then
CHARGE NEUTRAL
Samantha, do you realize you are yelling at me? I ask that you stop yelling at me. Please lower your voice to a conversational tone and then I will be able to discuss this with you.
(If they can't stop yelling you add.. I am going to leave until you calm down).

Points to ponder- Setting Boundaries in the moment
The first time you state your boundaries you may not be taken seriously, especially if the behavior you are trying to protect yourself from is one that you have tolerated in the past.

Even those who truly love and care about you may violate your newly-set boundaries when acting out of habit or they may try to "test the limits" of your new resolve or they do not clearly understand how important your boundaries are to you.

Here is a direct and gracious way to handle people when they cross a boundary.
To illustrate how the process works in the context of a real-life example, let's assume you have set a personal boundary that says no one has the right to yell at you at any time, for any reason.

Using a CHARGE NEUTRAL TONE (take a breath. "The sky is blue")

Inform them of what they are doing "Do you realize that you are yelling at me?"
Often this will stop them right there. Sometimes people don't hear themselves.
Thank them when they stop.

If not, go on to:

Request that they stop now. "I ask that you stop yelling at me now."
"Please speak to me in a conversational tone."

If they shift what they are doing, say, "Thank you for respecting my wishes."

If not.

Demand. "I insist that you stop yelling at me now."member to continue speaking in a neutral tone of voice. If at this point the person still has not stopped the behavior then you move on to the last step,

Leave. If the person is unable to stop. Then exit the situation.
Using your charge neutral voice and a calm demeanor say," I am going to leave the room now as I cannot hear you when you are yelling at me.."

You can use this process whenever you detect a boundary has been crossed. It takes a bit of courage at first, however the more you practice the more you will be able use this process. The key is to remain neutral and calm in both word, vocal tone and body language.
Get into ACTION.

Set personal boundaries that define what others cannot do to you or around you.
Boundaries are your personal MOAT system that protect you from the behaviors of others that do not meet your personal standards.
Boundaries help you to stop agreeing to doing things you really don't want to do.
Boundaries are there to help you to put YOU first.
Boundaries are there for you to ensure that you get the proper environmental nourishment you require to be your best self.
Be firm. Be gracious.
This is really great and is life-transforming.
Enjoy it!